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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:08 PM   #1
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Default Any of you faggots know anything about Databases? (Pref MySQL) job posting

Preferably MySQL. (i.e. this will net you higher pay)

I have an opening in Tampa FL for a Database Administrator/Engineer.

If you have Linux admin experience, that's a plus. Windows system admin is a bigger plus.

Perl Scripting is an even bigger plus.

Powershell scripting is an even bigger plus.

IIS experience is a definite plus.

If you can code in .NET that's beneficial too, but, really we're looking for a MySQL DBA to assist me in my daily tasks. Daily tasks include: Creating backups, replication, failover, HAProxy load balancing, server administration, configuration modification, query (not like curt1656 queer-y) optimization, index analysis (just because it has anal in the word does not mean anal, fags)

Perks: You can make me lunch, get me coffee (I dont really drink coffee), you WILL be belittled by me on an at least 3 times per hour basis, I will be your boss, I recommend raises and bonuses in the form of high fives and chest bumps (so, that's nice!) and you have to interview really well.


Oh yea, this is in Florida. No, you can't work from home. No, you can't work from home part of the time. You need to be in the office in Tampa, Florida every day.

I think the company pays around 7k max for relocation and the salary is around 125k. That means if you don't know what the fukc you are doing, don't inquire. This is not the job for you douche bags that have accessed MySQL a few times and thing you are Jesus Christ himself's gift to RDBMS's (If you dont know what that means, dont respond).

This is a very serious post for a very serious career move for someone. My PM box is full since KellyTheJew stopped giving me a free premium membership and I refuse to pay for one and have like 2000 PMs from the past.

So, if you're seriously interested post here with an email or something and I will get in touch with you.

Again, the salary and job are not a joke... a lot of things that I said in this post are.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:11 PM   #2
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I know how to play solitaire on my computer. Do I kualify? I even have a place to live there already!
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:15 PM   #3
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I know how to shit on a keyboard. 130k a year and a company Porsche and I will start in 2 weeks. I also will accept a $30k signing bonus. See you on the 10th.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:18 PM   #4
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Hey you both can suck a dick. Not mine though, I'm not in to guys.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:21 PM   #5
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I don't know shit about computers but this is fawkin funny.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:22 PM   #6
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I must confess, I do a wicked Google search, and can copy and paste with the best of them. But, since I will be your assistant, can't I just wear skimpy clothes, and surf porn all day? I'll even do that in a mini skirt for 125K a year.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:22 PM   #7
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Hey you both can suck a dick. Not mine though, I'm not in to guys.
You know you got hard at the thought of a man taking a dump on a keyboard.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:25 PM   #8
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Did you learn all those big words in school or are you just making them up?
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:26 PM   #9
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Did you learn all those big words in school or are you just making them up?
Probably a bit of both.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:30 PM   #10
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Wow sounds like a great offer for someone. The pay and chest bumps sound great.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:33 PM   #11
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Wow sounds like a great offer for someone. The pay and chest bumps sound great.
We don't accept criminals. You're disqualified.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:35 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonkeyBiz View Post
I must confess, I do a wicked Google search, and can copy and paste with the best of them. But, since I will be your assistant, can't I just wear skimpy clothes, and surf porn all day? I'll even do that in a mini skirt for 125K a year.
You mother fucking under cutting rat scab bastard.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:36 PM   #13
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You mother fucking under cutting rat scab bastard.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:40 PM   #14
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You mother fucking under cutting rat scab bastard.
When you got a great ass like mine , it has its perks... Flatass.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:43 PM   #15
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Boycott monkeyBiz!

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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:48 PM   #16
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Will you hire me as a senior adviser? I could come for one week per winter.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:53 PM   #17
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Just because you qualify as a senior, that does not mean that you qualify as an adviser.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:55 PM   #18
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I am a hot, 20 something, single parent. How am I not a shoe in for this shit?
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:56 PM   #19
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As part of my application process, I'll reveal some of my plans. If I decided your company is good enough for me, I will immediately institute "Twerking Tuesdays". It will boost employee moral and productivity. Let me know.
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Old August 27th, 2013, 08:58 PM   #20
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Sometimes I wished I had chosen databases instead of infrastructure.
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