|April 13th, 2013, 08:36 PM||#43|
Fuck talk, Duck walk!
Join Date: 11-05-05
Location: Whitelake, MI
Mentioned: 23 Post(s)
I'm the man in White.
If you want peace, prepare for war!
Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.
|April 20th, 2013, 08:39 PM||#55|
How to pet your cat for beginners
Step 1: The Setup
Make sure it is your cat. A cat that is not your cat may be significantly more difficult to pet, and it is likely that you will not be familiar enough with an unfamiliar cat to detect warning signs of impending scratches. For your own sake (and to avoid any alienation of affection) I will only describe means to pet your own cat.
Step 2: The Approach
Make your cat complacent. A hungry cat is an angry cat. For beginners, find a quiet, peaceful environment with few distractions, no other cats, and no small, hyperactive children (this last requirement may be voided if you are a small, hyperactive child).
Step 3: Opening
Pet your cat. Start with light petting on the back and sides. Try long strokes from the base of the neck to the base of the tail; optionally (carefully) continue down the tail until there is no more cat. Then try shorter strokes at places where the cat has responded favorably. At all costs, avoid the tummy. Even if your cat rolls over happily, still do not pet the tummy. Even if you thought that cat was declawed (a horrible thing to do to a cat, might I add), do not pet the stomach. Dogs like it. Cats do not. (some might, but this constitutes an advanced technique; see below.)
Watch the tail. If your cat starts to move its tail back and forth rapidly while you are petting, it has had enough. Stop unless you're wearing heavy gloves and want to annoy your cat. Also, if you are only going to pet one portion of your cat for a while, do not pick the tail. If you pull a cat's tail, you may hear a shriek, but it may be the last thing you hear.
Step 4: The Middle Game
Now stealthily approach your cat's head. Stroke only the top of the head at first. Some cats don't mind if you touch their ears; for others the ears are very sensitive and should be avoided. Scratching behind the ears will almost always meet favorable response, just like in a dog. Light petting under your cat's head from the tip of the chin to the top of the neck may be accepted and certainly will make your cat happy. Do not poke out your cat's eyes, and generally avoid the nose. STOP at any indication (pulling away is one; a more threatened cat will bat, bite or hiss) your cat is not enjoying the experience.
Step 5: Endgame
Now, pet everything you've discovered your cat likes.
Listen to your cat.
|April 20th, 2013, 09:13 PM||#58|
Join Date: 04-04-11
Location: Sault Ont.
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
I Dare anyone to try this
How to calm a cat in heat
(idea) by TinFoilGod Thu Sep 07 2000 at 18:27:28
•1 cat in heat
•Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
•Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.
•Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.
•You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
•That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again.
What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.
Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.
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