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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:28 PM   #1
Pokerob
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Default "Dont even reply" is an Epic website

instant classic

http://www.dontevenreply.com/


if anybody needs me today i will be on that website.

Last edited by Pokerob; November 17th, 2009 at 02:26 PM.
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:37 PM   #2
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Almost as good as"Shut up woman, get on my horse" ....... almost
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:40 PM   #3
SANDVIPR
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Oh hell yeah!!!
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:41 PM   #4
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[QUOTE=TurdBronco;1095911]I don't usually race cause it is still a focus.[/QUOTE]
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:42 PM   #5
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haha thats great
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:42 PM   #6
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hahaha epic

Original ad:
I have a 1998 nissan that rear ended someone last week. There is some minor damage that need fixed...but I cant afford to go to a body shop..anyone who is willing to help for less would be doing me a HUGE favor. thanks!
From Me to ***********@**********.org
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:45 PM   #7
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:46 PM   #8
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Kons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-09-01 12:47:05
Original ad:
childcare needed
looking for a responsible and dedicated person to babysit my two children during the week. you will be needed monday through friday, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM. email me at ***********@comcast.net and we can talk about pay. DO NOT EMAIL ME UNLESS YOU HAVE REFERENCES
From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Hi there! Are you still looking for someone to fill your babysitter position?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

yes i am. please send your info and any past expereince you have.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Actually, I am not the one applying for the position. I run a rehabilitation program for good people who are trying to enter society again, and have a few candidates who I think would be able to watch your kids. They will work for a much cheaper rate than a professional babysitter, but will still deliver professional service.

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

what kind of rehab program do you run? injured people or something like that? if you are talking about drug addicts than forget it.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Absolutely not! Don't worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!

My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve. We help them experience the joy of working with children and helping the community. It is often difficult for these ex-cons to get jobs after being released from a correctional facility, but it is a requirement while being on parole.

We have seen lots of success with the program. Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con. Despite the negative image that people like to give to ex-cons, they really are loving, caring people.

I have two potential clients in your area, if you are interested. Here is a little info about them:

Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.

I look forward to working with you. Please let me know which person you were interested in, and I will give their parole officer a call.

Thanks!

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

wow. kons for kids? that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard!!! who the fukc would let a murderer watch their kids!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

KFK is a very respectable program. I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren't interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn't premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.

If you don't want him watching your kids, I'll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

i dont want tim or derek or any of the other lunatics you try to pass off as babysitters! murder is murder it doesnt matter which way you put it now leave me the fukc alone!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Are you still there? It has been three days, and Tim wants to know when he can start working again.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:47 PM   #9
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here is a link to all of them

http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:48 PM   #10
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LOL. The "be a man" link is very funny.

Original ad:
Old/used soccer equipment wanted for my kid. Will drive to pick up anywhere near Malvern. No calls, email only: ************@verizon.net
From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Hello,

I have a bunch of old soccer equipment that would be perfect for your daughter. I have soccer balls, nets, cleats, etc. Let me know specifically what you need and we can talk prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Actually the stuff is for my son because I want to get him started in soccer. I'm in need of a practice net, soccer ball and kids size 6 cleats if you have them. Thanks.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

My mistake, I assumed it was for your daughter because it is soccer. If that is the way you want to raise your son, I have some other items you may want to buy for him. I have a pink twirling baton with silver ribbons, and a cheerleader set consisting of two pom-poms, pink cheerleader bloomers, and a toy megaphone.

I'm charging $100 for the practice net, $20 for the ball, $25 for the baton, and $30 for the cheerleader set. I don't have kids size 6 cleats, but you don't really need cleats for soccer anyway. Your son could probably just use his bunny slippers.

Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

Well I'm definitely interested in kicking your fucking ass. One question, asshole: if you think soccer is so gay, why do you have soccer equipment, and a cheerleader set and baton?

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

Please, you aren't kicking anyone's ass. The fact that you are getting your son started in soccer instead of football says a lot about you as a man.

To answer your question, I have the baton and cheerleader set as trophies. When I was a kid, I used to go around the neighborhood and beat up all the other kids who played soccer and steal their stuff. I acquired the cheerleader set and baton from this one kid in the neighborhood, Caleb. I always knew that kid wasn't right - he used to ride around on a pink bike and always wanted to have tea parties with the other kids. I tried to help him by beating him up and stealing his baton, but I don't think it worked. I saw him in Philly a few years ago, blowing some guy in an alley. Anyway, I kept my gatherings in my shed out back as a testament to my manliness, but I need to make room for my new shotgun and power saw.

So do you want the stuff or not? I also have Brokeback Mountain on DVD. I ordered Die Hard, but that was sent to me in error. It sounds like a movie that you and your son would enjoy watching.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

You must be so proud of what a big man you are with your shotgun and power saw.

From Me to ************@verizon.net:

You're goddamn right I am. It's just part of being a man, which you apparently know nothing about. Tell you what - forget the baton and cheerleader set. I want to help you. I'll sell you my shotgun for $1,700. It is a 10-gauge Remington that'll put some hair on your chest. Take your son hunting with it. There is nothing more manly than blowing a deer's head off and eating the raw venison from its neck.

Then, after you are done manning up, you can come back and I'll sell you some football equipment for your son. I'd hate to see him blowing Caleb in an alley in Philly some day.

From ************@verizon.net to Me:

How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go fukc yourself.


Henry

Last edited by yj_hank; October 21st, 2009 at 03:02 PM.
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:51 PM   #11
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This is a lot funnier than the horse cock shit.
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:53 PM   #12
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if i could actually love a human being (i am a robot), it would be this guy
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Old October 21st, 2009, 01:53 PM   #13
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lmfao this is great
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Old October 21st, 2009, 02:02 PM   #14
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This is hilarious
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Old October 21st, 2009, 02:11 PM   #15
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best site I have seen in a long time
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Old October 21st, 2009, 02:17 PM   #16
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This one made me laugh.


From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:

HELL NO!!!
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Old October 21st, 2009, 02:27 PM   #17
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roflmao

Quote:
Operation: Soccer Escort
Posted at: 2009-08-07 09:03:54
Original ad:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...
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Old October 21st, 2009, 03:03 PM   #18
Pokerob
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Original ad:
Wanted: ride from philly to rehoboth beach

i am trying to leave any time next friday. i will pay for gas, and provide conversation.i am bringing a large duffel bag and a cat.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@*********.org

Hey,

I have to go to court in Rehoboth next Friday, so I would be able to give you a ride. I just want to know, you're female, right?

Mike

From chris ******** to Me

i am male. what time did you want to leave?
-chris


From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Chris,

I'm sorry, I thought you were female because you said you owned a cat. Sorry, but I don't want to give you a ride. Two dudes in a car, going to Rehoboth, it just seems a little gay. Better luck next time.

Mike

From chris ******** to Me

wtf how is that gay? i just want a ride!


From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Well normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but first off, you own a cat, and you are a dude. That is a huge red flag right there. Any normal straight guy wouldn't own a cat, and if he did, he wouldn't care about the cat enough to take it to the beach. Second, you want to go to Rehomo Beach. I'm not judging your lifestyle or anything man, I just don't want you gaying up my car. No offense. I don't even want to know what is in your duffel bag.

From chris ******** to Me

stfu dude why are you being a prick! im not fucking gay i just cant get a fucking ride to the beach! my GIRLFRIEND happens to have a house in rehoboth!!


From Mike Partlow to chris *********

Yeah, I'm sure he does.

I think Richard Simmons is driving down there next week, try to get a ride with him.
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Old October 21st, 2009, 03:23 PM   #19
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I will be spending many hours there
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Old October 21st, 2009, 03:35 PM   #20
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i just pissed...

Basic Weapons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-06-27 18:00:50
Original ad:
summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

Hello,

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

Thanks,

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

-Donna

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

I am not interested. Thanks.

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know.

SSG Partlow
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