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Old June 16th, 2009, 03:27 PM   #1
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Default more texts from last night.

i was just looking thru this again found a few that made me lol
(570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

(281): Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

(847): he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
(1-847): you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.

(514): i'm home, then i'll come over
(1-514): ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
(514): nvm.

(501): Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

(973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
(908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.

(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

(403): you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fukc up. I'm thinking fukc up but im hoping champion.
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Old June 16th, 2009, 04:05 PM   #2
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the last one was great
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cunt punt, it's like a reset switch for women.
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Old June 16th, 2009, 05:17 PM   #3
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typ in 269 in the search box....god love michigan
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Old June 16th, 2009, 07:53 PM   #4
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typ in 269 in the search box....god love michigan
or 586

(586): I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
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Old June 16th, 2009, 08:05 PM   #5
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Where do you find the rest of these? I just ran across this thread, that there's funny!
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Old June 16th, 2009, 08:06 PM   #6
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(248) i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

(248): yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

(248): They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.

(248): Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox


(631): U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
(248): ya, gonna go have sex there?
(631): No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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Old June 16th, 2009, 08:46 PM   #7
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My favorite....
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.


Shouldn't it read:
(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my ducks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

if it's really autocorrecting?
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Old June 16th, 2009, 09:20 PM   #8
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(313): I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
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Old June 16th, 2009, 09:20 PM   #9
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(203): the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
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Old June 16th, 2009, 10:05 PM   #10
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(248): the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
(248): I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
(248): It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
(248): i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
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Old June 16th, 2009, 10:35 PM   #11
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And from the Northern VA/DC area:

(202): if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

(202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

(202): Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask

(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

(703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear
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Old June 27th, 2009, 08:36 AM   #12
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763): I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.

(612): life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

(559): That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!

818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

908): do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
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Old June 27th, 2009, 02:37 PM   #13
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(902): Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.


(703): so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted


(919): just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe


(513): I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.


(503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.


(360): I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
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Old June 27th, 2009, 02:47 PM   #14
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(541): Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.

(510): The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

(951): Why the fukc do they always fukc on couches in porn?
(949): Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

(717): i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

(330): I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
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Old June 27th, 2009, 03:26 PM   #15
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(216): Where the fukc is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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Old June 27th, 2009, 09:59 PM   #16
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(908): no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
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Old June 28th, 2009, 02:24 AM   #17
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(908): no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Who posted my text...
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Old June 28th, 2009, 02:28 AM   #18
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i love these...
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Old June 28th, 2009, 12:21 PM   #19
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(570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
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Old June 28th, 2009, 12:37 PM   #20
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(512): hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
(1-512): yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

757): Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.

(914): when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

(352): the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
(407): given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
(352): i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
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