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Old November 6th, 2007, 10:33 AM   #21
ovrlnd
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I understand the situation and have been there as a kid. the only grandparents I had were my mothers parents. due to a family argument I saw my dad's parents when I was 3 or 4 and that was it. I barely remember it. I was always told you have two grandparents that love you very much. I was happy with that until I was older. after my dad's parents had both died, although I didn't know them I still felt like a part of me and my heritage was missing. at that point it was too late to learn about them except from his sister. he had fought in the pacific in WW2 and I wanted to learn more about what he did in the war. It took me years to put the pieces together, it caused me a lot of grief, just to find some scrap of who he was and even that didn't tell the whole story. all I have to remember him by is a dd214, his death certificate, a bag he carried in the war and a box of war photos. I know a lot but still much is missing. the empty feeling got worse for me after my daughter was born. he was long dead but here was the next generation to carry the name and I had no way of filling in that side of her linage completely when she wants to know.

family histories and their contributions to this nation need to be handed down directly, not via third person like what I had. I repsect my dad fully for the reasons he split, and even moreso for helping me fill in the blanks on his father. do some of my traits come from his dad? I don't know. but I would sure like to know.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 11:34 AM   #22
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I feel like I want to hold my relationship with my parents over their head because, they know what this means to me but don't care enough to change. I feel like being nice and cordial with them makes them think, "oh he's over it." They do that polite, just amuse him act. Like they know it's wrong be they're above me so.... It's like when a boss listens to an employee because it's good office politics but in his head knows full well he's not going to make any changes. He just tells the employee you have some good ideas, and the employee walks away with a pep in his step.
My parents will be coming back for Christmas should I,

A) blow them off, because same thing will happen and I know I'll let it ruin my Holiday or
B) Get together with them and set myself up for disapointment.

Keep in mind, since I address this they're not talking to me feeling like I owe them an apology for even bringing it up and insulting them.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 11:35 AM   #23
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neither, talk to him this week or next.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 12:49 PM   #24
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Okay, especially for a chick, I have what seems to be an unusual attitude towards kids: don't care for them. Never wanted any, never had any. Don't have the slightest urge to hold babies or coo at toddlers. The sound of a crying baby or whining child can actually make my eye twitch. I have 2 nephews and a niece that wouldn't recognize me if I showed up at their door. This bothers my parents, but not me.

Kyle has his two kids every other weekend and sometimes it stresses me out almost more than I can deal with. They're good kids. They like me and want to do stuff with me. But I'd rather do my own thing most of the time. In the spirit of relationship compromise, I have spent more time with his kids in the last two years than I would have ever imagined possible, including a couple of camping trips. But that doesn't mean I like it.

I wonder if the grandparents in your situation are like me. I'm betting when the kids get older, it will be different. Like maybe in their 30's?
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Old November 6th, 2007, 03:25 PM   #25
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You can pick you nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives. (except your wife) :tonka:
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Old November 6th, 2007, 04:03 PM   #26
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I'll bet he didn't spend much time with you when you were little either.

He is what he is - you can't make him a TV show-style doting grandpa by badgering him into it. You might not be everything he wanted in a son. Oh well.

You have to take your family the way they are, because you cannot change them.

Learn to enjoy them as they are, and adjust your life as you see fit - even if that means fewer trips to Leland.

My dad was not a "kid person" and my parent never (I mean not once) babysat our kids (or spent time alone with them) until after my dad died. Kids made him nervous, and his health was poor. Doesn't mean he was a bad father or grandfather - he was what he was. The week before he died my daughter was hit by a car - and (although he didn't spend time with the kids without me there) he was devastated - torn between the shock damn near killing him and wanting to get up and go kill the SOB that hit her. He loved them, just in his own way.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 06:39 PM   #27
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both of my grand parents on my dads side died before i was born and my grandma on my moms side also died before i was born. so i only had one grandpa and didnt see him too much, he was only 30 mins away just never got out that way much. im only 21 now but even as a kid i just saw it as normal not having grandparents. but now that im older i dont blame anyone for not seeing my grandpa its just the way it was. it is weird now that i think about it, just never having a grandma, but thats not by choice, i never got a chance to meet them
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Old November 6th, 2007, 07:01 PM   #28
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I'll bet he didn't spend much time with you when you were little either.

He is what he is - you can't make him a TV show-style doting grandpa by badgering him into it. You might not be everything he wanted in a son. Oh well.

You have to take your family the way they are, because you cannot change them.

Learn to enjoy them as they are, and adjust your life as you see fit - even if that means fewer trips to Leland.

My dad was not a "kid person" and my parent never (I mean not once) babysat our kids (or spent time alone with them) until after my dad died. Kids made him nervous, and his health was poor. Doesn't mean he was a bad father or grandfather - he was what he was. The week before he died my daughter was hit by a car - and (although he didn't spend time with the kids without me there) he was devastated - torn between the shock damn near killing him and wanting to get up and go kill the SOB that hit her. He loved them, just in his own way.
No he didn't spend much time with me, we had nice things so he thought that made up for it. I was probably the the first ADD kid out there and my dad hated it. He told my sister when she was in middle school he never wanted kids, it was my mom that wanted them, so we needed to cut him a break. He also would disapline sorta violently with unesessary humiliation (2sp's)
I guess, I've got enough to go on. I get burnt out thinking about it. I guess it is what it is. I didn't think it was this common.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 07:20 PM   #29
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Just because it is common does not make it acceptible. The story about the guy who "loved" the kids but never wanted to see them, I don't buy that. It is not love if you do it only on your terms. For example, a Father's love for his son will differ from his daughter, because they need some different things for their gender. The Dad cannot love on his terms, he needs to love as THEY need to be loved. For example, if he doesn't like to say I love you or you are pretty to his daugher, then shame on him.

Love is not always convenient. I know our narcisistic culture does not want to hear that, but it is ture. Love is sacrificial.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 07:48 PM   #30
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Just because it is common does not make it acceptible. The story about the guy who "loved" the kids but never wanted to see them, I don't buy that. It is not love if you do it only on your terms. For example, a Father's love for his son will differ from his daughter, because they need some different things for their gender. The Dad cannot love on his terms, he needs to love as THEY need to be loved. For example, if he doesn't like to say I love you or you are pretty to his daugher, then shame on him.

Love is not always convenient. I know our narcisistic culture does not want to hear that, but it is ture. Love is sacrificial.

I'll disagree here Dave.

You're taking a pretty "hallmark moment" view on it all.

Everyone shows love in their own way. The father that works hard in a crappy job with crappy swing-shift hours to provide a better life for his family is just as loving as some cardigan-wearing clone from a Mormon recruiting film.

Real people cannot be forced to fit some contrived media-driven "standard". The Navy father who's on a 6-month cruise and can't see his kids every day is not a bad father - neither is the father who works night shift (and the kids have to quiet during the day).

If you have that, great. But don't discount those who have other situations, because they're just as legitimate.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 08:01 PM   #31
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I'll disagree here Dave.

You're taking a pretty "hallmark moment" view on it all.

Everyone shows love in their own way. The father that works hard in a crappy job with crappy swing-shift hours to provide a better life for his family is just as loving as some cardigan-wearing clone from a Mormon recruiting film.

Real people cannot be forced to fit some contrived media-driven "standard". The Navy father who's on a 6-month cruise and can't see his kids every day is not a bad father - neither is the father who works night shift (and the kids have to quiet during the day).

If you have that, great. But don't discount those who have other situations, because they're just as legitimate.
And I disagree with you too.

My Dad worked hard his whole life to "provide" for me, but I didn't want his money, I wanted his time.

What I am saying is this, I cannot love someone on my terms only. I need to love someone the way THEY need to be loved. My wife is a quantity time person, not a quality time. I am the opposite, I want to do meaningful things in short amounts of time. If I love my wife the way I like to be loved, it will not work. If I love her, I will get over myself and spend volumes of time with her. I cannot love on my terms.

It is a total cop-out for someone to deny love and relationship to their family because it is "not their thing", that is BS. Taking out the garbage is not my thing, but I do it, because it is important. If a Father has to be away for work, that is fine, but when he is home, he should not be some lone soldier who is scared of people.

The last thing I promote is a media driven standard, that is the worst excuse for a man I have ever seen. I am not knockin on guys who work their butt off for their family, but I am saying that if that is all they do, I think they are hiding behind their only area of competence.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 08:29 PM   #32
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I have a jack russell terrier. I love that son of a bitch. I love to bring my dog over to my parents house because they have this huge bitchn yard my dog can go nuts in. Runs all over the place pissin and shitting and happy as can be chasing squirrles to kingdom come. However my parents are kind of annoyed at me for constantly bringing my dog over. I think my parents should love that son of a bitch as much as I do. If my parents don't want to love my dog as much as I do I am going to fling some of my dogs poo at their house.
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Old November 6th, 2007, 09:17 PM   #33
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you're an idiot
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Old November 6th, 2007, 10:06 PM   #34
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Red face

As i see it, the best way to get an inside track on your fathers mind is thru your mother. he may not think what he is doing is wrong or even realize the impact it may have on your children when they get older. If you can't confront him about it or if he just plain won't listen, see what she has to say about it. Maybe there is something that happened in the past that he is upset about or he may not understand that what he is doing is hurting you and your children. Wives tend to know a lot more about their husbands than they let on and most of the time can drop subtle hints to put them on the right track. I really hope that things can get straightened out because I know how hard it can be to not have grandfathers around while growing up.
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Old November 7th, 2007, 12:09 PM   #35
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As i see it, the best way to get an inside track on your fathers mind is thru your mother. he may not think what he is doing is wrong or even realize the impact it may have on your children when they get older. If you can't confront him about it or if he just plain won't listen, see what she has to say about it. Maybe there is something that happened in the past that he is upset about or he may not understand that what he is doing is hurting you and your children. Wives tend to know a lot more about their husbands than they let on and most of the time can drop subtle hints to put them on the right track. I really hope that things can get straightened out because I know how hard it can be to not have grandfathers around while growing up.
I was telling my Mom but she would do almost anything to keep our family together, so it turns out she never told my Dad anything I said. My aunt (my Mom's sister) said, my Mom has been covering for my Dad for 40yrs. So to make sure she gets to see the grandkids she just keeps the water smooth and tells me he's not going to change and learn from it break the cycle so to speak. Like I said before my Mom has lost her back bone my Dad has humiliated her for speaking up too many times. I told my dad I was going to write him, and believe it or not he said he wouldn't read it.

I appreciate everyones consern, support, and ideas.
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Old November 7th, 2007, 12:23 PM   #36
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I was telling my Mom but she would do almost anything to keep our family together, so it turns out she never told my Dad anything I said. My aunt (my Mom's sister) said, my Mom has been covering for my Dad for 40yrs. So to make sure she gets to see the grandkids she just keeps the water smooth and tells me he's not going to change and learn from it break the cycle so to speak. Like I said before my Mom has lost her back bone my Dad has humiliated her for speaking up too many times. I told my dad I was going to write him, and believe it or not he said he wouldn't read it.

I appreciate everyones consern, support, and ideas.

I would still call and wright your mom, its on your dad if he wants to break the ties. He is the one missing out.

What a shame.
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Old November 7th, 2007, 12:30 PM   #37
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money isn't always the answer. Kids want to spend time with you, they often want to know that spending time with them is important to you. often there are times when I have some responsibility to do and cannot play with my daughter. I see how disapointed she gets. I explain the situation and she gets it but then asks if she can just "hang out" while I do what ever it is I have to do.

you can't shy away from responsibilites but you cannot ignore them either. I want to have a good relationship and lines of communication with her so that she feels comfortable talking with me about problems she has.

I often get asked why I spend so much of my free time with her. like so many other dads, work, chores and need to provide makes it so we miss many important moments. kids grow so fast I see her in the morning and in the afternoon she is different so to speak. I sure as hell don't want to miss out on that stuff.

I find it hard to explain to friends that have no children who cannot understand why a child would ask to watch them play. they just want to spend time with you.

I never gave it any thought not knowing who my missing grandparents were. now they are gone forever and there is no way to find out the whole story. it is sad if you ask me.
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Old November 7th, 2007, 02:46 PM   #38
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I probably have a little bit of a different take on the whole grandparents not wanting to see you discussion. My dad died when my mom was 3 months pregnant. My dad's family used to live about four houses from my mom's family and the families grew up together (one had 6 kids and one had 5). They moved to Holly.
Growing up I never really knew anything about my dad's family. I would always get a card from them at Christmas and my birthday with some money in it. It was like an anonymous donation and I liked it when I was young. Around the time that I was 13 my grandmother came to see me and asked me to come stay with them for a week during the summer. I was nervous because I had only seen her and one of my uncles maybe a handful of times in my life. I went over and stayed, had a great time, met a lot of my family. Later we did this big family picture and even though I wasnt the most comfortable I was so excited to have this family. What I didnt know was that my grandma was dying of cancer. She died about a year later.
I had begun to feel like these people really cared about me and that it was my mothers fault that I didnt get to see them. My mother never spoke poorly of them when I was growing up, and always told me nice stories about my dad. I blamed her for the following few years.
After my grandma died I struggled for many years to maintain a relationship with them. Often times I would drive out to see them or to go to their functions, but as much as it brought me joy, it brought me pain. I always felt out of place. I also had two step cousins who were girls but the rest of my real cousins were boys. I felt like the step cousins were more integrated in the family than I as flesh and blood was.
When my grandma was in the hospital at the end, she told me that she had put away some pictures and some jewelry for me. When I was around 20 years old I asked one of my aunts if they had any pictures that I could have of my father. (I have only had one my whole life and it's the size of a thumb. After my dad died my crazy aunt gave away all of the pictures my mom had to a girl who had liked my dad.) I didn't even have a real picture. She became very defensive and said that she hadnt gone through grandma's things yet and they didnt have very many pictures and couldnt give me one. She acted like I was trying to get jewerly or something from them. About a month later I found out that one of my step cousin's had jewerly that was grandmas that was given to her. I stopped talking to them. They couldn't give me even a damn picture and I always felt in a way that I was having to force the relationship.
I have invited them all to both of my weddings, and even last year went to my grandfather's 80th bday party but in general, I dont really associate with them. I have always taken the high road not to close them out of my life, but I am not willing to be the only one trying to have a relationship. It is too painful.
Last year at my grandfather's birthday he asked me to come see him. He told me he wanted to talk to me. I havent gone to see him even though I have an interest. Maybe he has the pictures that I would love to have of my father and is ready to give them to me. I just cant risk being brought back into the fold only long enough for him to die and to be an outsider once again.

My advice, don't force the relationship. Take the high road like my mom did. She was able to take the high road with those people even though they did horrible things when my dad disappeared (he was missing for 3 months before they found his body), and even accused her of running him off. They asked her to have an abortion so that he would come back, and all the while she knew something bad had to have happened to him. She never spoke badly of them and she never put me in the middle of anything negative, but I learned on my own.
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Old November 7th, 2007, 04:01 PM   #39
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You can pick you nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives. (except your wife) :tonka:
Amen!!!
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Old November 7th, 2007, 06:10 PM   #40
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my mother doesnt really have anything to do with my kids either. It used to bother my children but they pretty much have moved on without her. its difficult for me because my in-laws will go WAY out of their way to see/talk to/ spend time with the kids.
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