|February 9th, 2006, 08:35 AM||#1|
Join Date: 12-28-05
Location: Bay City, MI
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Things you should have learned by now
Things You Should Have Learned by Now
Things you should have learned by now
Things you should have learned by the time you have reached Middle age.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Wherever you go, there you are.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
16. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
17. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
19. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
20. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
22. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
23. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
24. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
25. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
26. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
27. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
28. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
29. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
30. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
31. You should not confuse your career with your life.
32. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
33. Never lick a steak knife.
34. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
35. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
36. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
37. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." Author Unknown.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'". A Mum.