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Old July 21st, 2006, 02:51 PM   #1
Weasal
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Default How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your
pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
Walk of Shame.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell
does not exist. This is very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the
use
of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the
where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough
is very effective when! used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the
stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope
the
Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

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Old July 21st, 2006, 02:53 PM   #2
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Old July 21st, 2006, 02:55 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyxis
im such a failure
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Old July 21st, 2006, 03:08 PM   #4
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you guys have issues if you need a guide to how to poop.

at my shop we have a couple of different turd bandits. one likes to make "cobras" and lieve them for unsuspecting people to open the stall only to be shocked. the other makes rafts and lets things "air out" by keeping them above the water line. he then slips out under the door lieving it locked so as nobody can flush this nasty smelling thing.
the hardships of both bandits is refered to as the "muddy boot" because if someone tries to flush the rafts or cobras they roll around and mud up the bowl so bad it looks like someone waded in with a "muddy Boot". the one forman refused to call maintenence so he took on the task to clean up a cobra...he almost threw up and two maintenance guys did throw up. the guy even painted the head of the cobra with flo orange paint.

so watch out the bandit could find a stool near you....
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Old July 21st, 2006, 03:10 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyxis
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Old July 21st, 2006, 03:11 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yetti
you guys have issues if you need a guide to how to poop.

at my shop we have a couple of different turd bandits. one likes to make "cobras" and lieve them for unsuspecting people to open the stall only to be shocked. the other makes rafts and lets things "air out" by keeping them above the water line. he then slips out under the door lieving it locked so as nobody can flush this nasty smelling thing.
the hardships of both bandits is refered to as the "muddy boot" because if someone tries to flush the rafts or cobras they roll around and mud up the bowl so bad it looks like someone waded in with a "muddy Boot". the one forman refused to call maintenence so he took on the task to clean up a cobra...he almost threw up and two maintenance guys did throw up. the guy even painted the head of the cobra with flo orange paint.

so watch out the bandit could find a stool near you....

Im trying to figure out if the fact someone took the time to do that is just wrong or funny... I'm thinking funny
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Old July 21st, 2006, 03:11 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yetti
you guys have issues if you need a guide to how to poop.

at my shop we have a couple of different turd bandits. one likes to make "cobras" and lieve them for unsuspecting people to open the stall only to be shocked. the other makes rafts and lets things "air out" by keeping them above the water line. he then slips out under the door lieving it locked so as nobody can flush this nasty smelling thing.
the hardships of both bandits is refered to as the "muddy boot" because if someone tries to flush the rafts or cobras they roll around and mud up the bowl so bad it looks like someone waded in with a "muddy Boot". the one forman refused to call maintenence so he took on the task to clean up a cobra...he almost threw up and two maintenance guys did throw up. the guy even painted the head of the cobra with flo orange paint.

so watch out the bandit could find a stool near you....

THIS is why the american auto industry will prevail ! Thats frickin hilarious yetti. More so since i dont work there and have to walk in on a cobra.

The list needs to add the edmund fitzgerald. The edmund fitzgerald crap is a foot well over a foot long it spins around and around in the bowl when you flush until it finally breaks in half and goes down to feed the fishies. The "edmunds" leave all sorts of skid marks and rock rash on the bowl.

Last edited by jamiesann; July 21st, 2006 at 03:15 PM.
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Old July 21st, 2006, 03:45 PM   #8
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Seen it before, but is still damn funny.
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Old July 21st, 2006, 05:06 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jamiesann
THIS is why the american auto industry will prevail ! Thats frickin hilarious yetti. More so since i dont work there and have to walk in on a cobra.

The list needs to add the edmund fitzgerald. The edmund fitzgerald crap is a foot well over a foot long it spins around and around in the bowl when you flush until it finally breaks in half and goes down to feed the fishies. The "edmunds" leave all sorts of skid marks and rock rash on the bowl.
not to out do your "edmund" but my buddy from work had to go real bad while he was shopping at lowes. he entered the restroom and started into a stall only to notice a HUGE turd in the bowl. it wasn't long but it was wide, he said he turned to walk to the next stall but curiosity got the best of him. he hit the lever with his foot and it wouldn't move it was so huge. it stuck there like the Exxon Valdis. he truned and left and laughed thinking of the poor sot who had to clean that restroom.
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Old July 21st, 2006, 05:41 PM   #10
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Quote:
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the
stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the
pooper can poop in peace.
my number one move
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Old July 21st, 2006, 05:48 PM   #11
Skooter_Built
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i go at home
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Old July 21st, 2006, 08:01 PM   #12
dune coon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skooter_Built
i go at home

not me. I like getting paid to take a shit, therefore I do all my shitting at work.
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Old July 21st, 2006, 08:29 PM   #13
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I get paid by the hour, I TRY to shit at work.
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Old July 21st, 2006, 10:37 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlatFender
I get paid by the hour, I TRY to shit at work.
Haha ME TOO, shit, I take a 20 oz and a magazine or a book with me.
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Old July 22nd, 2006, 08:47 AM   #15
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Made me think of this. Blokes guide to taking a leak
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