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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:27 AM   #1
Disturban
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Order in the Court!

These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'. They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had
the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.

==============================================

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________




ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________





ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________





ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________





ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________






ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________






ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________






ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________




And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:33 AM   #2
Mulely
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Bahahahahahaha!
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:37 AM   #3
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:42 AM   #4
Skooter_Built
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11/10 I hate lawers as much as I hate new york jews
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I'm the man in White.

If you want peace, prepare for war!

Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:46 AM   #5
Rattler
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

My fav!!
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 09:50 AM   #6
FlatFender
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6/10
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:00 AM   #7
Cooter21
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nd the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The best
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:10 AM   #8
brock430
HOLY CRAP!
 
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That was AWSOME!
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:13 AM   #9
benny87
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That was great... Hahahaha
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:17 AM   #10
Monkeyevil
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2/10
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Zoom Zoom!
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:18 AM   #11
shaker
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My sides hurt now.
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 11:21 AM   #12
shaker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlatFender View Post
6/10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monkeyevil View Post
2/10
Were you guys born without a sense of humor, or did this problem develop later in life?

Last edited by shaker; March 23rd, 2009 at 01:29 PM.
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 12:18 PM   #13
iwantawrangler
The land of Boredom..
 
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12/10
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 01:28 PM   #14
SlayerXJ
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Oral. that's fucking funny.
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 04:41 PM   #15
lovemychevy
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 04:46 PM   #16
currdogg
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gotta get that book
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Old March 23rd, 2009, 05:24 PM   #17
Chiefwoohaw
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6.2/10
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