I went and spoke to an attorney, informed him of my broke-ass, and asked him to the following:
!. Type the papers.
2. Give them to me so I can file and pay the filing fee with the court.
3. Give me 3 hours' worth of question and answer time.
4. Review the order before it goes for finalization.
He agreed, and it came to $500. I asked him for some of it back because I never came up with 3 hour's worth of questions. He laughed.