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Old April 9th, 2008, 01:01 PM   #1
sie sehen mich rollin ...
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Default Its official.......I'm an alchoholic

so my sister in law always buys me a bottle when a gift is warranted. this last christmas she gave me a 1/2 gal. of Cap'n, and for my new years party she gives me like 4 fifth's.

well my B-day is coming up and what does she send me? You guessed it 1/5 of "Military Special" whiskey.....I am like WTF, does she think I am an alchy or something? My wife just laughs and we proceed on with whatever.

So today I get this email from my wife (I guess she said something to my sister in law)

funny read (my co-worker just asked WTF was I laughing at):

Ok, read this e-mail, I got it awhile ago and I had to look for it. I didn't know they made a 'military special' liquor. I went looking for it special after I read this, I wanted to see if they really made it, which they make several varieties, and it is more expensive than listed here.... I just thought when you had a party it would be funny. I wasn't trying to imply that he just drinks. I don't want to send him a shirt like mom/grandma. Just trying to be cool. :P Happy reading!

I've seen this before, but it's still pretty funny... and so true.

> The MRE dinner date
> The following is said to be a true story....told from the point of
> view of a young enlistee SOLDIER.
> I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
> the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
> dinner.
> After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
> settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
> I got out my trusty case of MRE's.
> Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety
> contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
> I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
> three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king, and eight
> packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
> rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in
> shaved garlic and olive oil.
> In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
> together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
> succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
> glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450
> degrees.
> When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
> a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
> (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of
> my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks
> fancy right?)
> For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
> packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
> heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
> gelatinous xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
> Voila--Ranger Pudding.
> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
> Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
> sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets
> of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
> that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
> the electrolytes I guess...
> could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).
> I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
> the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
> sh*t is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on
> sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal
> wine decanter.
> She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
> She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
> We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
> asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
> obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
> balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I
> guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
> At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
> with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
> Chocolate what?
> Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
> yup
> Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
> rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself
> "uh oh " and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
> dismay.
> Let the games begin.
> She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
> 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes
> smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
> pained look.
> After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
> bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is
> WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
> porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
> toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
> chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to
> her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
> a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door,
> and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
> I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
> hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
> She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
> SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
> embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
> her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
> Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
> had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
> her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
> After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
> "Military Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
> incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
> was made 3 years ago?"
> After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
> word.
> She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh*t for 5 days, and when
> she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
> from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop
> to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to
> cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect
> the food beforehand.
> It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that
> was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date.
> She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had
> been in tears on the couch.
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