>
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
>flings your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that
>freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
>hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
>to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
>holes until you die of old age.
>
>SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.
>
>BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>dismal your future becomes.
>
>VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
>of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
>the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
>socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
>
>TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
>after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
>firmly under the bumper.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
>of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
>
>
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known
>drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
>future use.
>
>RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
>shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
>
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
>everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
>the handle.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
>drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
>is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
>purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
>howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
>Battle
>of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
>and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
>shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
>screw heads.
>STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
>convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
>which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
>instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
>you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
>to the object we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
>cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
>such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
>magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
>for
>slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
>DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
>the next tool that you will need!
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
>flings your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that
>freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
>hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
>to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
>holes until you die of old age.
>
>SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
>blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.
>
>BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
>touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>dismal your future becomes.
>
>VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
>heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
>of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
>the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
>socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
>
>TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
>projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
>after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
>firmly under the bumper.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
>of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
>
>
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known
>drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
>future use.
>
>RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
>shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
>
>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
>everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
>the handle.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
>drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
>is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
>purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
>howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
>Battle
>of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
>and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
>shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
>screw heads.
>STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
>convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
>which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
>instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
>you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
>to the object we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
>cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
>such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
>magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
>for
>slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
>DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
>while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
>the next tool that you will need!