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Jokes (post them)

102K views 772 replies 195 participants last post by  jbsjunk 
#1 ·
Why do elephants paint themselves yellow?
>>i dont know
So they can hide in a bowl of mustard!
>>dumb
Well, have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of mustard?
>>no
See, it works.:sonicjay:
 
#731 ·
What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can drop your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
 
#740 ·
When I was a kid I was asked
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Yea
A kid fell in a mud puddle.

Next day at church I yelled across the lobby crowded with people to a friend of my parents "HEY WANNA HEAR A DIRTY JOKE?" :sonicjay:
 
#754 ·
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
#757 ·
A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says, "I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?" The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?" The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head you buckin dumass."
 
#762 ·
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'
 
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